I received a couple signs of love today. I have been "wallow guy" lately, which I don't hate. You need to grieve. The tornado went up and swept me in and dropped me. Now I have to sort out the rubble. When you become happy, you look back to know it wasn't worth it, or if it was, you got through it.
I have lost alot of this lately. I feel pitiful and desperate and like I generally suck. I hate that I don't laugh, I hate that I look at my wrinkles, I hate that I frown. Tired of the "Are you OKKKKK? looks." My own damn fault for being forthright. Tired of acting tough when I am crumbling.
My godmother sent me a note that I got today. My mom called her to "dish". What I received changed me. "If only I had been a decent godmother." This was the add-on "funny" note, that I love and cherish about her. I maybe see her twice a year. Her note said she wanted me to know I was spunky, smart and strong, just in case I was wallowing and forgot. I rarely talk to her anymore, but my very young parents chose her to be my Godmother for this letter, I think.
My second positive was walking around with my son today. My daughter is funny, but serious as all get-out. This 4 year old is a hoot. "Where in the hell did you hear that?" He smirks, he has that sideways smile that knows he is funny, but won't reveal. I surround him with the right kind of love, the right kind of funny.
I get what "they" are saying. I get that this is spiritual guidance <says the former cynic>. I am willing to accept the help, even if I claw and spit and tear. Today made me know that some of it is working. Tomorrow I may try it again. ;)
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