I received a couple signs of love today. I have been "wallow guy" lately, which I don't hate. You need to grieve. The tornado went up and swept me in and dropped me. Now I have to sort out the rubble. When you become happy, you look back to know it wasn't worth it, or if it was, you got through it.
I have lost alot of this lately. I feel pitiful and desperate and like I generally suck. I hate that I don't laugh, I hate that I look at my wrinkles, I hate that I frown. Tired of the "Are you OKKKKK? looks." My own damn fault for being forthright. Tired of acting tough when I am crumbling.
My godmother sent me a note that I got today. My mom called her to "dish". What I received changed me. "If only I had been a decent godmother." This was the add-on "funny" note, that I love and cherish about her. I maybe see her twice a year. Her note said she wanted me to know I was spunky, smart and strong, just in case I was wallowing and forgot. I rarely talk to her anymore, but my very young parents chose her to be my Godmother for this letter, I think.
My second positive was walking around with my son today. My daughter is funny, but serious as all get-out. This 4 year old is a hoot. "Where in the hell did you hear that?" He smirks, he has that sideways smile that knows he is funny, but won't reveal. I surround him with the right kind of love, the right kind of funny.
I get what "they" are saying. I get that this is spiritual guidance <says the former cynic>. I am willing to accept the help, even if I claw and spit and tear. Today made me know that some of it is working. Tomorrow I may try it again. ;)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Mazie and the Vet....TMI
Woke up this morning to my black lab sicker than hell and "oozing" (nasty) brown fluid from <ahem>, TMI. I mopped up and rushed her to OSU to see what the hell was going on. She has been eating every crotch in every pair of underwear and pants that my daughter and I own, so I, being a clinician, assumed it was an obstruction...Not so...I went to Vet school for nothing. She has an infection and is in surgery, as we speak. She will be fine and home, resting peacefully, tonight.
Today I am grateful that I was here when it happened and that my kids were not. I am also happy that my husband declared her "solely" to me, saying "She is YOUR dog, what would you like me to do about it?" You see, I was 8 months pregnant with Jack and was nesting and saw an ad for the cutest puppy I have ever seen. It was my Mazie. That night, after work, I took $50 bucks and every back holler/dirt road to buy my girl and she was worth it. My husband wasn't happy that I bought a puppy right before my son was due...."Why would you buy a dog without letting me know first?" I called him on the way home...I mean, sheesh, what is the big deal? When he met her, he fell in love though.....of this, I am sure. Except now she is all mine :)
To quote Whitney: "Exhale" I have an amazing support system in my Dad, who said, "Why don't you let me handle this one, today? You have enough on your plate." He is picking her up and bringing her here, while I work to pay off the damages. See, just when I think I can't handle much more (yes, it could be worse, yadda yadda).....somebody swoops in and lets me know that I am loved and I can bear more....if they lighten my load a little.
Today I am grateful that I was here when it happened and that my kids were not. I am also happy that my husband declared her "solely" to me, saying "She is YOUR dog, what would you like me to do about it?" You see, I was 8 months pregnant with Jack and was nesting and saw an ad for the cutest puppy I have ever seen. It was my Mazie. That night, after work, I took $50 bucks and every back holler/dirt road to buy my girl and she was worth it. My husband wasn't happy that I bought a puppy right before my son was due...."Why would you buy a dog without letting me know first?" I called him on the way home...I mean, sheesh, what is the big deal? When he met her, he fell in love though.....of this, I am sure. Except now she is all mine :)
To quote Whitney: "Exhale" I have an amazing support system in my Dad, who said, "Why don't you let me handle this one, today? You have enough on your plate." He is picking her up and bringing her here, while I work to pay off the damages. See, just when I think I can't handle much more (yes, it could be worse, yadda yadda).....somebody swoops in and lets me know that I am loved and I can bear more....if they lighten my load a little.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Day 7.....I am Erin, and I'm an alcoholic.
Today I celebrate seven full days with no strange bathtub brew, near beer, bourbon, vodka, or any other substance in my body, but plain old American sodee pop and Diet green tea.....well, occasionally some H2O.
One week ago I checked myself in Talbot Hall, at OSU east. I made myself a promise after looking in the mirror that first night. I will never be YOU again! One positive of Talbot? They make a phenomenal veggie frittata....at least it tasted like heaven after not eating a real meal for at least a week.
My stay at camp boozer was exactly what I needed to clean myself out and jump start a new future. You see, "upsetting the apple cart" that I thought was my perfect life, actually made me realize that my life wasn't perfect at all. It was fucked up and miserable and really, really lonely.
Today I feel so much healthier, although a bit foggy and per a couple co-workers "your skin looks alot better" (thank God for zit concealer). They tell me this fog will go away. I have faith.
I am fully giving myself to these professionals and former addicts and banking on their advice. I have a tiny string to hold onto....but somehow, I am buying what they are selling. I can not control this disease. I am the only one that can make it better. No drink tastes good enough to lose my children.
I have been to nine AA meetings in the last week and am in outpatient care for the next 5 weeks. I have taken something from each meeting....sometimes very little, sometimes a boat load. Monday I gained a sponsor. A no-nonsense, no bullshit kinda lady.....I like to think she and I have alot in common. I usually wear "kid gloves" when delivering my bitchiness, then again, I am not from the Northeast like this lady where the message is crystal clear, no smoke, no mirrors.
I struggled alot this afternoon because it hit me that my beauties are leaving for the next 4 days to visit my in-laws in NY. Tonight Quinn cried before falling asleep because she missed Daddy. We called Jer and he said he hasn't been calling to tell them goodnight because he didn't want to "intrude" on my time with them. <shaking my head> Jack went to sleep with his pure innocence, saying, "we see Daddy tomorrow Sissy." I am fighting this battle hard for them and I will make them understand that all of this turmoil will be OK and they will be OK.
How am I going to stay here alone? How am I not going to give into temptation? What a perfect environment to be a lonely, drunken slob. The choice I have made for today and I hope I make the same choice tomorrow. I will not drink. I will go to a meeting. I will go to work and I will be my "new" normal. The old Erin, the funny one, the one that does stuff that is productive.
One week ago I checked myself in Talbot Hall, at OSU east. I made myself a promise after looking in the mirror that first night. I will never be YOU again! One positive of Talbot? They make a phenomenal veggie frittata....at least it tasted like heaven after not eating a real meal for at least a week.
My stay at camp boozer was exactly what I needed to clean myself out and jump start a new future. You see, "upsetting the apple cart" that I thought was my perfect life, actually made me realize that my life wasn't perfect at all. It was fucked up and miserable and really, really lonely.
Today I feel so much healthier, although a bit foggy and per a couple co-workers "your skin looks alot better" (thank God for zit concealer). They tell me this fog will go away. I have faith.
I am fully giving myself to these professionals and former addicts and banking on their advice. I have a tiny string to hold onto....but somehow, I am buying what they are selling. I can not control this disease. I am the only one that can make it better. No drink tastes good enough to lose my children.
I have been to nine AA meetings in the last week and am in outpatient care for the next 5 weeks. I have taken something from each meeting....sometimes very little, sometimes a boat load. Monday I gained a sponsor. A no-nonsense, no bullshit kinda lady.....I like to think she and I have alot in common. I usually wear "kid gloves" when delivering my bitchiness, then again, I am not from the Northeast like this lady where the message is crystal clear, no smoke, no mirrors.
I struggled alot this afternoon because it hit me that my beauties are leaving for the next 4 days to visit my in-laws in NY. Tonight Quinn cried before falling asleep because she missed Daddy. We called Jer and he said he hasn't been calling to tell them goodnight because he didn't want to "intrude" on my time with them. <shaking my head> Jack went to sleep with his pure innocence, saying, "we see Daddy tomorrow Sissy." I am fighting this battle hard for them and I will make them understand that all of this turmoil will be OK and they will be OK.
How am I going to stay here alone? How am I not going to give into temptation? What a perfect environment to be a lonely, drunken slob. The choice I have made for today and I hope I make the same choice tomorrow. I will not drink. I will go to a meeting. I will go to work and I will be my "new" normal. The old Erin, the funny one, the one that does stuff that is productive.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The first day
Yesterday started out as a great day and then got really, really bad.
I woke up and took myself to Talbot Hall to initiate my entry process. I sat through 3 episodes of SVU and finally got the "call back" for assessment. Yep, I am an alcoholic. Yep, I need treatment.
I, in some delusional world, thought that if Jeremy stayed here last night (tonight) that things would be normal for my daughters first day of school. Not the way it happened.....we got in to a horrible fight and he took the kids to his sisters. Was I out of line with him? Probably. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I feel a huge sense of abandonment? Yes. Do I deserve it? probably.
Circling the wagons......
Mike Buechner pulled up. Car 56. He celebrated 24 years Saturday. Someone called my mom, who called his wife, who called him. I ran through my front yard to hug him. See....we have history. I used to watch his kids (almost all in their 20's) when he worked nights as a young Bexley cop....he jokingly asks if I drank when I watched his kids.....I didn't then. I was too much of a nerd.
The family took me to Talbot after we grabbed a "chicken" sandwich at Wendys and a huge Diet Coke.
I don't need to feel vindicated but knew they wouldn't take me in. Like they told me yesterday...I have to wait for a bed.
So, I am packed and ready to go and waiting to hear my phone ring to see that they have a bed. I was assured they "should".
Today, I get healthy for ME. I deserve it. You get one go round and I have wasted alot of it. Not any more.
I woke up and took myself to Talbot Hall to initiate my entry process. I sat through 3 episodes of SVU and finally got the "call back" for assessment. Yep, I am an alcoholic. Yep, I need treatment.
I, in some delusional world, thought that if Jeremy stayed here last night (tonight) that things would be normal for my daughters first day of school. Not the way it happened.....we got in to a horrible fight and he took the kids to his sisters. Was I out of line with him? Probably. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I feel a huge sense of abandonment? Yes. Do I deserve it? probably.
Circling the wagons......
Mike Buechner pulled up. Car 56. He celebrated 24 years Saturday. Someone called my mom, who called his wife, who called him. I ran through my front yard to hug him. See....we have history. I used to watch his kids (almost all in their 20's) when he worked nights as a young Bexley cop....he jokingly asks if I drank when I watched his kids.....I didn't then. I was too much of a nerd.
The family took me to Talbot after we grabbed a "chicken" sandwich at Wendys and a huge Diet Coke.
I don't need to feel vindicated but knew they wouldn't take me in. Like they told me yesterday...I have to wait for a bed.
So, I am packed and ready to go and waiting to hear my phone ring to see that they have a bed. I was assured they "should".
Today, I get healthy for ME. I deserve it. You get one go round and I have wasted alot of it. Not any more.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Dread....
Tonight....I sit my kids down and tell them that Daddy is going to live in a new house. They have been asking why I am crying and where Daddy is.....I had to draw them a picture yesterday that I retrieved from Fisher Price on how households change. Ironic....
30 years ago I was in the same position. My daughters age. My Mom called a family meeting and I was wearing a red shirt and sitting on the arm of the "every 80's household" brown plaid couch, my brother and sister fought for the middle cushion....."Daddy is going to live in a new house....he will see you all the time and we both love you."
Me: "Will he ever come back?" I watched my brother and sister sob.....I didn't sob....I was too young....I didn't understand.
Wish my husband understood the mark this will make on them and that they will never forget. He has never had the experience if the "talk". For that I am jealous.
I know things will get better....I am sure of that....but today, I want to dwell and be gray. However, I am not afforded that luxury. I HAVE to make them understand. I have to build up strength through the day to let them know it will be alright.....even though it will never be the same~
30 years ago I was in the same position. My daughters age. My Mom called a family meeting and I was wearing a red shirt and sitting on the arm of the "every 80's household" brown plaid couch, my brother and sister fought for the middle cushion....."Daddy is going to live in a new house....he will see you all the time and we both love you."
Me: "Will he ever come back?" I watched my brother and sister sob.....I didn't sob....I was too young....I didn't understand.
Wish my husband understood the mark this will make on them and that they will never forget. He has never had the experience if the "talk". For that I am jealous.
I know things will get better....I am sure of that....but today, I want to dwell and be gray. However, I am not afforded that luxury. I HAVE to make them understand. I have to build up strength through the day to let them know it will be alright.....even though it will never be the same~
Monday, August 15, 2011
Kicked it into semi-high gear...
Fueled by sleep, huh, what is that? I removed the 8 lbs. of dog hair and dust from my house and have done laundry and shopping all day. I bought Giant Eagle out of school food with a little devil on my shoulder saying....don't pack her ultra healthy lunches like Mari would have done. She doesn't like bologna, with her initials in mustard on it ....just like I never did! She won't be fat, she won't, no matter what she eats!
Couldn't find the muster to mow....but, hey there's always tomorrow and the grass is going to keep growing, even if I procrastinate.
Tonight I go hug my family that lost their dear mother, grandmother and friend. This lady had one of the best cackling laughs I have heard in my young 36 years and was the matriarch of a wonderful pile of goons. She had a spark and lived her 90 years with fervor and fire!
Couldn't find the muster to mow....but, hey there's always tomorrow and the grass is going to keep growing, even if I procrastinate.
Tonight I go hug my family that lost their dear mother, grandmother and friend. This lady had one of the best cackling laughs I have heard in my young 36 years and was the matriarch of a wonderful pile of goons. She had a spark and lived her 90 years with fervor and fire!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Today was a horrible day....
Yesterday and Today.....
I awoke... foggy...barely able to put my feet on the floor. Last night I drank...to avoid friends and people, because I was alone for the first time in 7 years. I curled up in my bed and sweat and cried most of the night away....my husband doesn't "believe" in marriage counseling. Huh? My house of cards finally crumbled. The first night I was alone.
I made it through my 6 hour day at the German restaurant that I "do". It affords me the right to pay my bills and take vacations, thanks Man V. Food, but so unfulfilling. How did the Senior class president, with scholarships and potential, become a waitress with a failed marriage.
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