Today I celebrate seven full days with no strange bathtub brew, near beer, bourbon, vodka, or any other substance in my body, but plain old American sodee pop and Diet green tea.....well, occasionally some H2O.
One week ago I checked myself in Talbot Hall, at OSU east. I made myself a promise after looking in the mirror that first night. I will never be YOU again! One positive of Talbot? They make a phenomenal veggie frittata....at least it tasted like heaven after not eating a real meal for at least a week.
My stay at camp boozer was exactly what I needed to clean myself out and jump start a new future. You see, "upsetting the apple cart" that I thought was my perfect life, actually made me realize that my life wasn't perfect at all. It was fucked up and miserable and really, really lonely.
Today I feel so much healthier, although a bit foggy and per a couple co-workers "your skin looks alot better" (thank God for zit concealer). They tell me this fog will go away. I have faith.
I am fully giving myself to these professionals and former addicts and banking on their advice. I have a tiny string to hold onto....but somehow, I am buying what they are selling. I can not control this disease. I am the only one that can make it better. No drink tastes good enough to lose my children.
I have been to nine AA meetings in the last week and am in outpatient care for the next 5 weeks. I have taken something from each meeting....sometimes very little, sometimes a boat load. Monday I gained a sponsor. A no-nonsense, no bullshit kinda lady.....I like to think she and I have alot in common. I usually wear "kid gloves" when delivering my bitchiness, then again, I am not from the Northeast like this lady where the message is crystal clear, no smoke, no mirrors.
I struggled alot this afternoon because it hit me that my beauties are leaving for the next 4 days to visit my in-laws in NY. Tonight Quinn cried before falling asleep because she missed Daddy. We called Jer and he said he hasn't been calling to tell them goodnight because he didn't want to "intrude" on my time with them. <shaking my head> Jack went to sleep with his pure innocence, saying, "we see Daddy tomorrow Sissy." I am fighting this battle hard for them and I will make them understand that all of this turmoil will be OK and they will be OK.
How am I going to stay here alone? How am I not going to give into temptation? What a perfect environment to be a lonely, drunken slob. The choice I have made for today and I hope I make the same choice tomorrow. I will not drink. I will go to a meeting. I will go to work and I will be my "new" normal. The old Erin, the funny one, the one that does stuff that is productive.
Keep going... a little bit at a time. A new normal is a beautiful thing.
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